Monday, December 13, 2010

Life is a video game

This plus that equals ReeeLiife3dRAMA 

In my opinion, when I was a kid in 1995, our generation experienced the most revolutionary and original game consoles/games since Tetris. Nintendo 64 and Playstation were created. And when I say Nintendo 64, I mean Nintendo 64, and when I say Playstation, I mean Playstion 1, not 2, 3, 4, 8, 579, PlaystationMini, or PlaystationVenti.

Then came the Xbox and all of his minions....

….which lead to the inevitable Wii....
…..............which then spiraled into Kinect.....Kinect???? Are you serious??? The Wii was bad enough; graphically it was just as stimulating as Virtual Boy, plus or minus a few colors. While the Virtual Boy only provided a 2 color experience, red & black, it provided (mmm, claimed to provide) a 3D experience. Lovely, lets sacrifice the color, but enhance the depth...that's almost as brilliant as what Microsoft did with Vista, let's sacrifice the speed, but enhance the depth (of the problems, that is). I’ve already said this before, it's a rather pointless endeavor to make something that's real, even more real. It's impossible. It's like saying “let's make Dostoevsky the most depressing author to read!” He's dead, you can't reach him.

Today our world, that is your world if you don't do anything about it, released a “new type of gaming experience.” That's right folks, as if Wii & Kinect wasn't enough, we have added a few more spelling errors, a dash of acronyms and a nonsensical idea: ReeeLiife3dRAMA.

How do I explain what this new gaming experience is like....hmm....
Take Kinect, take the Sims, then take some drugs, and you have...that...thing over there, the aforementioned stupidity. Somehow “they” have manage to inject a video game into real real life. I didn't actually hear about the unveiilng (the double ii is a tribute to Wii) of RL3DR, I, uh, experienced the unvaileng (the spelling errors are a tribute to Kinect).

I happened to be on the metro when out of nowhere the train jolts to a stop. Over the intercom I hear that this train has been hijacked. Next, a SWAT team enters our train-caboose and starts shooting all over the place. People were shot and bleeding. I started crying. The metro started up again. I peed in my pants. The SWAT team stays. I crapped in my pants. Looking through I window I see..Harry Potter..on a broomstick? He waves and takes off faster than the speed of the metro. What the frick?

After about 30 mins. of this caveman's chaos, the SWAT team personnel take off their helmets and introduces themselves with names like: Gamer4Life, HaloIsDead4Ever, TripleTroubleGayMurr58, etc. What kind of a professional police force is this with names like these???

Turns out they're not police, and the people they shot aren't dead and the blood they bled was..virtual?

If things are making sense right now, that's ok, I haven't quite figured out myself how this “virtual life game” thing works.

Regardless, this “new type of gaming experience” is like Kinect, except the “real world” is their virtual platform on which the craziness happens. It's really weird, but we've managed to pull it off. It's like The Matrix. Yup, that's what it's like.

So that's how Microsoft unveiled ReeeLiife3dRAMA.

Speaking of which, how is the Kinect doing in sales? I couldn't help but notice their oh-so-typical- Microsoft approach to advertise their products.

These are definitely actors here in this Kinect ad, their excitement is clearly not being derived from the amount of fun they are having playing this fake-version-of-real-life console, their joy is coming from the exorbitant amount of money Microsoft paid them to act like they enjoy the thing. Like creator, like creation: Kinect makes you feel like it's real and Microsoft's money makes the actors feel as if they enjoy Kinect. Yup, just the way Microsoft does things, it doesn't actually solve the problem, it throws more money at it, giving the illusion of a solution...Microsoft, we will never forget what the Vista operating system did to our nervous system.

Whereas Kinect doesn't offer you blood when you get punched, broken limbs when you fall, or death when you die; ReaLife3DRama is the whole schweppes in a bottle, in a can, it's in your life!

Take a look at the finishing motto on that Kinect ad: “The only experience you need is life experience”
...and what better way to get that real “life experience” than by prancing around like a fool in your living room? How about chopping some wood? (with an ax not a chainsaw) The last 10 seconds shows the creepy camera with one green eye peeking at you... “i never sleep,” it says...
...creepy creepy.

Remember the last time we allowed a webcam operated by a foreign entity to be placed in our living room? If a school was creeping around with it, do you really think a corporation has noble intentions of placing a camera in the epicenter of every home in America? I'm not a conspirator, but let's Kinect the dots folks, I think Wii know what we're getting ourselves into. Global Absurdity.

1 comment:

  1. Aaron, you're a freakin' brilliant writer. Screw acting and the movies, just freakin' write for a while. The cash will come. And if it doesn't, at least we'll have something to laugh about.